Man am I tired today. You know sometimes the best lessons in life are never learned and no matter what people say and no matter what you say back the truth of the matter is that you still won't ever learn that lesson.

*SIGH*

I'm ok now for the most part anyway. I will be mucking up my blog here shortly though so everyone be patient with me again.

YES!!!! We have internet!

Ok so here is what I was going to post on Saturday but couldn't...

Argh!

So AT&T is fucked up right now and I have no connection and can’t even get through on the phone line to the tech support to try to get this fixed. I really hate that. It pisses me off.

Today is not going to be one of those good breakup days. I have come to realize that I really do hate all that is happening. I am angry and mad and confused and I am tired of saying that this is for the best. I don’t think that it is. I lied. I want Connie here with me forever and I don’t get that. It’s not fair. It’s fucked up. What the hell happened to us? Where did all that life that we had in our marriage go? What the fuck did I do to deserve this?

I am going into survival mode, which means that all I want to do is hurry up, and find someone else to fuck so that I can forget about the hurting. I know that it won’t take away the pain. I know that it would devastate Connie if I did. I know I really don’t want either on to happen. The pain will actually be good because at least I will learn never to give myself away to anyone again and Con really doesn’t deserve to be hurt.

I ache inside. I feel like shit. I don’t know what to do and I hate smiling and laughing and saying that things will be fine. So I‘m not going to anymore. I am going to cry and yell and scream and curl up in a ball in bed with the covers over my head and shut out the world.

Fucking AT&T. I wish they would hurry up and come back online so that I can post this and then go and hide. Man, am I angry. My head is burning. It’s probably good that I am writing all of this out now.

I know I’ll “get over it”. But, you know, it took 7 years to get here and I think I should have at least that many months before I can say it‘s not as bad as it is now.

Fuck the world, fuck relationships, fuck women!

And fuck AT&T.

I’m going to bed.